These three sentences can shift the way you talk about upsets and pain points in a relationship. They are deceptively simple, but used with care and honesty, they can open up a conversation that blame and defensiveness tend to close down.
The Three Sentences
- 1. When I notice…
- 2. I make up…
- 3. And I feel…
What Each Sentence Does
- The first names the trigger: the specific thing you observed or noticed
- The second surfaces the story you told yourself about it: your interpretation, not the facts
- The third brings you back to the actual feeling underneath the reaction
All three are “I” statements. The exercise is about taking responsibility for your own experience, not building a case against your partner. It tends to reveal something about your own vulnerabilities, which is the point.
One note on feelings: a feeling is one word: “afraid,” “sad,” “hurt.” It is not “I feel that you are doing this” or “I feel like you don’t care.” Those are interpretations, and they belong in sentence two.
What We Actually Argue About
Most arguments are not really about the thing that started them, whether that’s the dishwasher or something much bigger. The event is usually a pointer to something deeper: a core value, a fear, a need that isn’t being met. Getting to that level is what makes a conversation useful.
An Example
You’re at a party. You notice your partner talking with someone attractive, someone you’ve heard has a history of affairs. Something tightens in you. Later, it becomes an argument. You say they were being careless with the relationship. They say you’re being irrational. It escalates.
Once things cool down, the three sentences might sound like this:
Your version:
- 1. When I notice you talking with that person…
- 2. I make up that you don’t value our relationship the way I do. That you’re willing to let something come between us.
- 3. And I feel afraid.
Your partner’s version:
- 1. When I notice you watching who I talk to…
- 2. I make up that you don’t trust me.
- 3. And I feel hurt, and distant from you.
Neither version is an accusation. Both are harder to dismiss than “you were flirting” or “you’re being jealous.” When a partner hears what you’re actually afraid of, the more likely response is care, not defensiveness.
Using This in Practice
This exercise works best when both people have agreed to try it, and when there’s enough safety in the relationship to be honest without it being used against you. It takes some practice to use in the middle of a disagreement, but even working through the sentences privately can help you get clear on what’s actually going on for you.
The goal isn’t to win the argument. It’s to find out what you’re actually arguing about, and to give your partner a chance to understand that too.
